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He’s Worried about Her Ex…

About two months ago my girlfriend of two years lied to me about a “girls’ night out.” Rather than having a girls’ night out, she and a friend went to meet an ex-boyfriend of hers who now lives in a different state. I generally do not have a problem with her seeing ex-boyfriends. However, this particular ex has made several calls to her and asked her to get away for the weekend. She has refused his advances.

Within the last six months they have resumed talking and e-mailing each other. She met him for a happy hour, which I knew about and was fine with. Then the next day she had this false girls night out. When I asked her who went, she told me she met him and a friend of his. I love her dearly. However, I am having a hard time trusting her based on this incident. It is really having an impact on our relationship. I know I need to get over it in order for our relationship to survive. I also realize it would be foolish to ask her to give up a friend and I don’t want to be responsible for that. Any suggestions on how to get over this trust issue?

Anne replies:
It may be that your girlfriend’s relationship with her ex is completely on the level, and she keeps parts of it from you just to avoid friction. It may also be that she is exploring some left-over feelings with her previous boyfriend. The only way for you to find out is to talk with her about it.

Let her know that the relationship bothers you, especially since she lied to you about visiting him. (Since she told you about it afterward, I doubt she has much to hide.) This may be as simple as allowing her to reassure you that nothing untoward is going on, and explain why she lied to you. If it turns out that there is more to it than that, then there is little you can do other than remind her how you feel about her. Give her some time to work through any issues she may have regarding him, but don’t allow her to string you along if it seems like he is more important to her than you are. My intuition suggests that this will turn out to be nothing the two of you cannot work out.

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